Let The Sun Shine

Things here have been a little stressful and tiring.  I’ve been feeling run down, exhausted and quite isolated at times.  Yes, I have 2 tweens under my feet most of the time to talk with but it’s not the same as adult conversation.  Adult conversation has not really happened here for a long long while.  It’s just been the three of us in this very cramped tiny house by the sea for the past 14 months.  The change from how it was before has been fantastic.  Once unpacked and the kids settled in school was a fantastic time for us.  I opened my shop, it was really busy over the summer, the sun was shining.  We were happy.

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Then came October.  It literally began with the changing of the clocks.  I got ill and ended up in hospital.  Once discharged after 5 days I felt better but still exhausted.  Time would deal with that.  Fast forward to now and I’m still exhausted.  I have really had a very rocky patch health wise the last 3 weeks and my GP had wanted to get me admitted to hospital on 3 occasions now.  On each occasion my Consultant said no.

Late last Friday night, we got the coded truth from him.  Nothing to do with no beds.  No, there are plenty of beds in the hospital.  Just not one for me.  I’m waiting to start some new meds for a different illness, prescribed by a Dr at another hospital in a different Health Authority.  Those meds will help the current problem too but if this Consultant starts the drugs, the cost of the drugs come out of his budget and we can’t have that.  The other Consultant must pay, the other Health Authority must pay.  Yes, you need the drugs for this illness too, nothing more can be done for this illness except have those drugs.  

There’s no bed for me in hospital and I can’t just be admitted and then they do nothing and at the same time they can’t start treatment that someone else is prepared to pay for.

I need to vent my anger, frustration and upset at someone right now.  Last night it was my little girl.  That is not what I should be doing.

My GP has been fantastic and quite frankly did the shouting at both Consultants for me.  As I write this I am waiting for a phone call from both of them to tell me who is starting these meds and when.

I need a break from pain.  Doubled up by it yet numb to everything around me.  Staying firmly put until I can have that next dose of morphine.  I need someone to fight for me at times like these.  Someone to scream and shout at in frustration.  Anybody but my two darlings who have seen things no child should see but still stood by me hearts open wide wanting to take my pain away.

Right now my kids are the ones really suffering and we need the sun to start shining again.

Linking up with Kate for #GroovyMums

4 Comments

  1. 7 April, 2014 / 2:05 pm

    One of those days where a lot of very brilliant mums seem to be going through the mill. Hate this especially when they have such good hearts like yours. Hoping the tide turns soon. Stay as strong as you can, keep reaching out for support and have the occasional kick-ass moment when it comes to those health authorities.
    You are human and a good enough parent doing your best.

  2. 8 April, 2014 / 10:34 am

    Outrageous that they think keeping you waiting in pain is acceptable because of funding politics. Hope you’ve got it sorted now.

  3. 8 April, 2014 / 4:45 pm

    There’s nothing more frustrating than being at the mercy of the NHS, I hope things turn in your favour soonest #AllAboutYou

  4. 13 April, 2014 / 10:57 pm

    The pain you are going through – emotionally as well as physically – is palpable through the lines you’ve written. I hope that your GP’s shouting has helped to turn the tide, and that you will soon be through this mire of red tape and pointless arguing to get you the help you need. Sending you heaps of strength and thanks for linking to #AllAboutYou

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